Chapter 15 - The Reaction

I had a pretty great day. I was at church by 8am so I could have a coffee before the services. I took baptism photos for the first 2 services, and I helped in my walkers class for service 3. 

When I do events like this, and the one yesterday, I can't help but want a better camera. My camera is a good one, but there are a couple of things that I wish it would do that it doesn't. However, for the amount of photography I actually do these days, it is more than adequate.

When the final service was over, I came home and napped for an hour before heading to my friends house to give her some lowlights. We had a nice visit.  The rest of my evening was spend at home, just hanging out. 

It was all dandy until I spoke with my ex on the phone. Before picking up his call, I said, "Oh, God, help me" about 3 times. I had to confront him about about something. 

Two things in that sentence give me physical reactions of fear in the form of shaking, my heart beating faster, and a rise in blood pressure - "confront" and "him".

I avoid confronting people as much as I possibly can. I have been that way for as long as I can remember.  It seems interesting that God has chosen the paralegal field for me where confrontation happens regularly. It just goes to show that I will be working in His strength, not mine. 

Talking to my ex always creates a negative physical response. Although it has be better over the years, I still have to muster up all the guts I've got so that in spite of the fear, I do it anyway. That's audacity. When we were on the phone tonight, I had the phone to my ear as I was waiting for Kaden to come talk to his father. I guess my ex didn't know I had the phone to my ear because he dropped his "cover up voice" and was talking about me to whoever was in the room in his "real" voice - and that freaked me out. It's like instantaneously I was right back there and he was taking his frustration out on me. I haven't heard that "real" voice of his since June 9, 2010. And yet, it still created a response in me as though I was sharing a house with him again. I can't explain it, but I sure could feel it. And, I didn't like it. It took me a long time to calm down. It's been 2.5 hours now, and I'm almost back to normal. (Well, my normal ;)

How's that for honest? :)

I am just so thankful that I am not where I used to be. I am in a place I love, doing what I love, with people that I love and that love me. What more could I ask for?